Beardy Party

In the ancient times, public shavings were the ultimate punishment for adultery and running around partly shaved a sign of cowardness. Now that those days are over, why not make public shaving a happy event: invite your friends to a beardy party, put on the music and shave that thing!

Simple life

Beards are opinion splitters, especially amongst ladies. Shaving is the simplest solution, so if you’re more interested in your love life than having a hairy chin, just go for Gillette.

Next to being a bedroom issue, beardedness hasn’t always been much appreciated in the beauty circles either. Some 300 years ago in Russia there was even a tax levied on beards to make men fit in with the Western ideals. Who knows when the anti-beard movement rises and makes you pay for your whiskers again, so be ready: if you’ll shave, you’ll save and keep your money in your own pocket.

Fake beards

Goodbye to your facial hair doesn’t need to be tearful: a fake beard is a quick-fix to get your chin locks back. Make it out of metal (an old tin can will do) like the queens and cows of Egypt, or go to a fake-beard designer Erin Dollar for a more natural look.

First aid masculinity booster

What a better way to compensate your missing muscles than an über manly beard! It’s been proven that the hair on your chin will transform you into "...the independent, sturdy, and resourceful pioneer, ready, willing and able to do manly things." (Psychologist Robert J. Pellegrini). Note: two scraggy hairs won’t do the trick, but they are a good start.

A human handgrip

Beards are handy: you can comb, curl and braid them, but they can also serve as easy-to-use handles – a notion made by Alexander the Great himself, who afraid of the enemy grasping his soldiers preferred his troops silky smooth.

Small talk stimuli

If you’re not up-to-date on a) football b) news c) coolest events and don’t have much to say about the weather either, keep your facial hair and you’ll become the center piece of discussion. Who wouldn’t be interested in the difficulties of eating ice cream?

Multiplied personas

Beards are a hairy business: they come in and go out of fashion, have been pioneered by Abraham Lincoln as well as the hippies, made Harry Potter look like a full-grown wizard and aroused questions on the chin of Metallica’s James Hetfield. Conclusion? With a beard you can make yourself look rebellious, elitist, presidential or stupid. Depending on how you trim it, you can choose a different character every day and either nullify or multiply your appeal.

Words: Emmi Ojala
Illustrations: Emmeline Pidgen