Rule 1: Casting

Instead of just having pale boys and girls sucking each other’s necks and licking off jism... Oops! “Blood,”  we mean, the casting crew ushers in the yummy pack of man-wolves. “Men” they are but never the longhaired scruffy looking tramps. Jacob and the wolf boys are cleanly shaved, olive-skinned, and all-time shirtless six-packers. For the gals, they’re the daredevil jocks completing initiation rites. For the gays, they are the cross between Dante’s Cove polysexual residents and Abercrombie & Fitch models, and we dream, together they’re rubbing with their wood in the woods.

 

Rule 2: Cutting Costs

Talking creative doesn’t always mean having lots of special effect crap. It’s about keeping the cost to the minimum. So, in New Moon, expect a total of 20-minute-or-so fantasy action scenes but hours of repetitive waking-up-from-a-nightmare scenes and camera revolving around the crying suicidal bitch with captions suggesting that months have gone by. And, don’t be fussy with how scintillating the camera angle must be. Let’s admit it, folks, people seeing New Moon, aren’t really after Oscar-winning cinematography.

 

Rule 3: All Time Girl-Boy Pairing

This is the golden rule of teenage romance: the girl must always appear with a handsome boy. Though teen flicks are usually about girls, the female audience doesn’t particularly want to see a “competition” in the film. They want the heroine to be below them. How much “below”? A full-time adrenaline-crazed freak and part-time suicidal wannabe who only appears wearing lame jackets and hoodies! Et, voila, you’ve got Bella. At all time, she must be escorted by either gorgeously pale Edward or hunky Jacob. What if the plot forbids this? Well, well, you can just have Bella in bed and totally screech out loud as if Edward has returned and is doing her up the arse. That will keep our excitement growing... erm... “going”, until it’s revealed that’s just one of the bitch’s never-ending nightmares.

 

Rule 4: Extending the Kiss

In the same way Disney did to Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens in the High School Musical trilogy, Bella and Edward, or Bella and Jacob, will never get to suck each other’s faces off until the very last minutes. The longed-for moments must be interrupted, say, by a timely return of best pal Alice or a phone call from Mr. Cullen. Bella can only kiss once and with the “right” one only, although lips-lingering moments are allowed to encourage the audience’s horny imagining of Robert Pattinson’s, or Taylor Lautner’s, frenching skills.

 

Rule 5: Keeping the Vampire’s Semi-Nudity for Last

To tend his would-be girlfriend’s wound, Jacob pulls his Tee off in less than two nanoseconds, which almost caused my boss to choke on her hot-dog. This will never happen to Edward. The vampire’s glowing nudity semi-must be fatally brief. Is this because the producers want us to go back and see Pattinson’s what-is-left-to-be-seen in Eclipse and Breaking Dawn? Or, they fear, after two hours of werewolves’-washboard-abs-spotting, the audience will find faults in Pattinson’s rumoured-to-be-spray-painted six packs? Who cares!?

 

Rule 6: Preaching Sexual Conservatism

Right! Sex sells, but in this case, no sex sells better. We’re not just talking sex scenes here but the sexual metaphor! The vampire’s bite, the dripping blood, all this implies sexual penetration and cherry popping. Imagine Sarah Palin taking her still-virgin kids to see New Moon and reminding them that even Edward wants to marry Bella before “making her a vampire.” Plus, kids, do not run away with the always half-naked, werewolf jock or any jock. Just like Palin’s ex in-law Levi Johnston did for Playgirl, he’ll soon get his dong out and do you all doggy style. Broooowwwlllllll!!!

 

Rule 7: Lots of Totally Irrelevant Advertisements

Showing lots and lots of shamelessly irrelevant advertisements isn’t a crime; instead, it helps generate income. If an audience misses out weird names about vampires and werewolves, such as the Volturi, the Quileute, and Aro, make sure that they don’t wince from the Cullens’ sleek black Volvo XC60 or Alice’s dashing, yellow Porsche 911 Turbo. Also, do not judge a small-town girl who drives a 50s Chevrolet pickup truck as she might be using the Entourage programme from her Macbook to email some vampire fellows. This is not to mention that if you are rushing to save your ex-boyfriend from exposing himself in public, you must fly with Virgin Atlantic!

 

 

 

Words: Poonperm Paitayawat